Thursday, October 11, 2012

A Time To Mourn


Throughout our adoptive journeys so far, we have always wanted to let people be a part of the process.  We do this because adoption is foreign and mysterious to most.  Our heart is to show the beauty in it as well.  So we enjoy letting people ask questions –insightful ones and those off the wall a bit.  We have shared our joy of being chosen, the reports of meeting with a birth mom, and the eager anticipation of welcoming another little one into our family.  

We feel it is time for us to share publically our sadness as well.  Yesterday, we received a phone call from our social worker that is every adoptive parents worst nightmare.  

“Your birth mom has changed her mind and decided to parent her baby.”  


Words do not describe the emotions we feel right now.  We knew this was a possibility.  It always is when you grow your family through adoption.  Yet, this still caught us off guard, as well as our social workers. We had met our birth mom twice over a three month period.  We had picked out a name together.  Less than one week ago, we had started to finalize the birth plan and post adoption agreement. It was looking so good especially with things so close to the due date (this Sunday).  Right or wrong, with each step we let down our guard a little more and let the hope of a baby set deeper into our hearts.

We share this with you because we know you care.  You would not be reading this if you didn’t.  So we are going to open up our hearts and let you in on this portion of our adoption journey.  We ask that you treat this news with sensitively and awareness.  Please realize that this isn’t just someone changing their mind to us.  It is a loss that we need to grieve because it feels a lot like we have lost a child.  We know that people react to this sentiment differently. Some can feel the depth.  Others may think that this is blowing things out of proportion.  Our loss isn’t as painful as losing a child of your own –either through miscarriage or after delivery.  This may be, but it doesn’t feel this way to us right now in the moment.  We want you to know that we feel a real pain and deep sense of grief.  Yes, this baby girl may have never been officially a part of our family or home.  Yes, we may have not been able to bond with her physically as she grew in our womb.  We hope that you can understand that while the biological parents get the gift of physically carrying the developing baby, adoptive parents are also in the process of “birthing” too-just differently.  They have been anticipating –usually for far more than nine months.  They are preparing their home.  They are hoping and dreaming and thinking about what life with their child may be.  As the day of birth draws near, they expectantly await the gift they too want to receive  -their baby.  They are “carrying their child” too just in a different place, perhaps even a more vulnerable one -- their hearts.  Yes, this baby was just a dream or a hope more than a reality.  We all need to grieve dreams too, especially those that come very close to coming true.

We ask you for your prayers and your support. We trust that God has a plan for our lives and that He will knit our family together eventually, exactly as it should be.  It is hard right now and it will be for a while –that’s what happens when people grieve.  Pray that God would give us the strength, the peace, and the hope that we need each day.  Pray that God would give us the wisdom we need to communicate all of this to our three year old little girl, whom He has already blessed us with.

We also ask that you pray for our birth mom and “our” baby girl.  We won’t get the privilege of raising her, but they both are still in our thoughts and our prayers.  We know that they have a hard road ahead of them.  Please join us in praying that God will give the birth mom the strength and energy that she needs and that she will trust in Jesus for everything.  Pray that God will bring people into her life that will give her the support that she needs so she doesn't have to go at this alone.  Please also join us in praying the prayer we have had for this baby girl since the day found out about her.  Pray that she would be born healthy, and that she would grow up to be a strong, healthy, smart young women, that she would always be surround by unconditional love, and that she would put her trust in Jesus.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and striving to understand what we are going through.  It means more than you know.

Brad and Stephanie

7 comments:

Onita76 said...

our prayers are with you dear friends. i know words don't take away the pain but just know that you are being upheld in prayer to the God of all comfort and peace. love you guys!

Betty Koolhaas said...

Dear Brad and Stephanie,
Reading you blog today brings tears to my eyes. What devastating news to hear after all the planning, praying and anticipating a new baby into your home. I, unfortunately, do know how it feels to lose someone you have not even seen. I had a tubular pregnancy and also had to go through what many people do not realize, the grieving experience. I know how eager your family was to have another baby girl in your home, only to find out days earlier that the vision was taken away! I will be praying for your entire family as you mourn the loss of "what could have been". I pray the Lord surrounds you with His love and compassion and as you so beautifully wrote, continues to knit your family as you wait on His timing!
Prayers and Hugs sent your way,
Betty Koolhaas Noble
Jer.29:11

Rob Kerr said...

Thank-you for sharing this me. I can't give the words needed to show you what is needed for you and Stephanie. Losing a child if you birthed it, or through adoption, is still hard. Prayers and thoughts are with you.

Rob Kerr

C and G said...

From a momma who has recently also experience adoption loss (different situation, but still loss) - my heart and prayers are with your family. I am so so sorry. Peace of Christ to you.

Kimmer said...

Brad and Steph, I'm so so sorry to hear this news. I'll be praying for your family, for peace and comfort during this time. I wish I lived in town so I could bring you a meal and bring you a hug. Thank you for posting this with vulnerability and honesty.

Scott O'Haver said...

Praying for you guys.... :)

Ron & Bev said...

Praying for you. So sad and disappointing. Your Mom called today. Hard for them too. May Christ give you His peace. We know what that means. Hugs Ron and Bev Hoekema